The problem with Marxism is the proletariat isn't going to rise up against capitalism. The only time they'll rise up is during a commercial break to either go to the bathroom a grab more beer.

I've shortened this sentence's length, in order to reduce the need for it. I've also shortened my penis (as impossible as that sounds), in order to reduce your reliance on it. Please accept my condolences, and this vibrating piece of rubber.

I would sacrifice my life to save two lives, provided those two people would sacrifice their lives to save four lives. In this way, billions would die so that billions could live.

A speeding fine lets me know it's OK to break the law, just so long as I'm willing pay money for the privilege to do so.

I'm putting the word Don't on my To Do list.

The best date I've ever been on was March 5th, 1982, the year I was born. For as long as I live, I'll never forget that date.

Ben Bernanke is like an economist on a misty morning, because he hasn't the foggiest clue.

It was 7 AM, so what else could I say but, Have a great night. Plus, he was as blind as Helen Keller was deaf, so to him day was night.

Flatulence is the international language. Speak it with your anus. Hear it through your ears. Listen through your nose.

I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.

I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You were like that with everything I said, taking the exact opposite stance, yet completely agreeing with me. That's how I knew you loved me.

In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children. Barely. But that's one bad thing that's actually a good thing.

I find wisdom in the waves. Goodbye is a hello to a life without you.

I carry your love like a backpack. I only wish your love had a larger cargo capacity, and had zippers instead of Velcro.

To me, the most confusing part about golf is that I don't know whether I'd rather actually be playing golf, or sitting on the green composing haikus about the landscaping.

I've found newspapers only useful as kindling material for campfires. It's been said that newspaper articles are written at a fifth grade reading level. If so, I can't figure out why journalists would write something that the average high school senior can't even read.

Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.

Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And critics are like a box of forgotten leftovers in my fridge from a few years ago, except they're not as welcome at my dinner table, OK?

Did I spell the word did right? Of course not! I got my D's mixed up.

While I've never read Scientific American, I'll bet it is pretty scientific. And American. Just like those prehistoric cave drawings in the south of France.

Good things come to those who ate. And I'm stuffed. Like a teddy bear. That might be why I'm the World Cuddling Champion.

I went out on a limb, because that's where the noose was.

A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison.

I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.

I've often wondered why boxing gloves are bright red. If I were a boxer, I'd wear camouflage colored boxing gloves so my opponent would never see my punches coming.

The hardest part about finishing is starting.

People who have knickknacks are people people. Some are even named Nick.

Of all the pessimistic people, I am the most optimistic. I look forward to looking down on all the people looking up to me for answers from below.

With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we're made of stone.

I want to be a standup economist, because isn't money funny? Actually, without gold backing our currency, it's all funny money.

I could have could haved, but instead I did have. Is there any other way to love?

I had to stop selling stick-figure portraits of women at the beach, after too many customers complained I was making them look too fat.

If my legs get blown off in war, I'd like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I'll be in the living room if you need me.

My meat smells like cat food. Makes me want to lick my own asshole.

I have a star on Hollywood Blvd. It glows in the dark and I stuck it there myself.

Only a fool would say they're not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool.

I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I'm not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love.

My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I've got firemen calling me. But I won't answer, because my answer is no, they can't take me out on a date.

Salmon swim against my stream of consciousness.

When everything is working out for you, it means you are in the wrong gym.

Thanks, I said, have a great day. And I turned to leave. Damn! I am such a coward. Next time I'll get her number, I told myself, even though I said the exact same thing sixty-some dollars ago. I needed a plan. I needed an event to take her to. What did I think I was going to do, ask her out to coffee?

I can't overstate how valuable being understated is.

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I've got to win them.

A brick could be used in religious ceremonies. After all, it is slightly better than using live human sacrifices.

When all the trees are dead, I’ll be there, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice.

I need more frugality. I wonder where I can buy some.

I don't know dick about vaginas.

When I go off the grid, my main source of light will be fireflies. Oh, and the glow that will come from the epic love poem I am writing for you.

I have the lips of a lisp, and I kiss like kith. It sounds silly, but it feels more romantic.