Attempting to drive a car before you find and release the parking brake is like trying to drag a Saint Bernard into a bathtub.

Dead Max was the biggest oxymoron in history.

Congratulations. The fact that you're reading this means you've taken one giant step closer to surviving until your next birthday.

It was a little weird that they were friends. But then, maybe freaks just tended to find each other.

Think about it. When the end comes, will you be buried in the arms of the one you love? Of the one who knew you your whole life, who loved you your whole life? The only person who could really and truly love you like you needed to be loved? I hope so.

I moved to leave, and Dylan actually grabbed me by my shoulders. I was so surprised that I forgot to karate-chop his elbows and break his arms.

The next forty-five minutes in that office was about as much fun as a day at Disney World—when it's pouring rain. And all there is to eat are hot-dog buns. And you get electrocuted on the rides.

Like a good song, life has verses, the goliards had taught me. Each verse has to be sung. It takes all of them to make a song. It is the entire chanson you name, but when you think of it, when you smile, it is a favorite verse that delights your ears.

It's wherever you are. If it's tapped into any of your senses, it knows where you are and what you're doing.

I know your old lady isn't home, 'cause she's in the car with Sosh right now. Well, then, Sosh.

Don't you move now, lover, Sunday.

The world was becoming a zoo, without cages.

Podesta clicked on the folder containing the digital photos he'd taken of Candace Martin in a car with.

Me and my merry band of mutant bird kids.

We've got something, I said, starting down the stairs again. We've got a killer at large in this goddamned building. As for Madison Tyler, we've got another dead end.

That's right: Never underestimate the power of a good laugh. It can stop some of the fiercest middle-school monsters.

I had made a friend. My second one in fourteen years. I was on a roll.

He always told me that at some point in your life you get tired of bullshit. You just want the truth. You just want what's real. Decide what matters in life, he said, and focus on that. The rest is bullshit.

You've already seen what I look like, so you can probably guess which one I chose. As soon as I got to homeroom, I went straight for the back row and sat as far from the teacher's desk as possible. There was just one problem with that plan, and his name was Miller. Miller the Killer, to.

Jamie Grimm? Never met the kid. He's not my nephew, that's for sure. And he's definitely.

He's playing Linus. Lucy's supposed to be his sister. How's that going to look? I mean, in the comic strip, Lucy only has black hair. Her whole table titter-giggles. I guess this is why the show is called You're a Good Man, Charlie… Brown! Meredith.

I picked a star and wished as hard as i could that somehow i could protect him from what was on the horizon.

I think about what I didn't say then, which is this: the stars we see aren't even real stars. We see the light that they gave off millions of years ago but that is only now reaching our eyes. We don't see a star as much as a memory.

Coco stared for a moment in frustration at the only thing that had blocked a dream life as a glamorous supermodel.

As I stare into the Border collie's eyes, I think that maybe I should go inside and call the girls. Claire, Cindy, and Jill would be here almost before I hung up the phone. They would hold me, hug me, say all the right things. You're special, Lindsay. Everybody loves you, Lindsay.

I didn't think he was a robot...but I did wonder if his emotions had been designed out of him. Of course, with a guy, how could I tell? Ha ha!

This is what I actually looked like when I got to school that first morning of sixth grade.

Fair isn't fair, Dean. Like I'm supposed to help you because fair is fair? Try I need you to help me so I wont rip out your spine and beat you with it. I might respond to that, maybe.

I think e-books are terrific in their own right. I love being able to get on a plane and basically carry around seven books and it weigh 10 ounces.

People underestimating me is my secret weapon.

However, using insidious and irresistible mind-control techniques such as offering us Mountain Dew and a ton of nachos, the naval bigwigs had managed to corral us in this room for a debriefing.

Okay, so how, exactly, did I get into this mess—up onstage at a comedy club, baking like a bag of French fries under a hot spotlight that shows off my sweat stains( including one that sort of looks like Jabba the Hutt), with about a thousand beady eyeballs drilling into me?

Justin Bieber.

The house continues to call out from parts unseen, aches and hiccups and wheezes, a centuries-old creature drawing long, labored breaths. When.

I still felt like I might hurl, and I thought about how awful that would be in midair.

In case you were wondering, Jacobi said, you snore. Purr, I corrected. I purr.

Don't worry, I didn't forget I'm a loser, Loser, I said as I zoomed down the hall. DID YOU JUST CALL ME A LOSER? Bear roared back.

I know you might not believe this, but slogging through a foreign European forest in the dead of night with an ex-Eraser, a talking dog, and two kids who depend on you for their lives—well, not as much fun as you'd think.

I decided that every rule in the Hills Village Middle School Code of Conduct should be worth a certain number of points, depending on how hard it was to break. Of course, this meant I could get into some serious trouble, so I decided to make that worth a bunch of points too.

Rafe was trying to convince an older couple that they needed an extra toilet.

I started my inevitable hysterical freak-out, but I tried to do it very quietly inside my head, because this had been so special, and I didn't want to ruin it. Like I usually did.

This is not a democracy," I said, understanding he fear but unable to do anything about it. "It's a Maxocracy.

Disney World? Ari felt like his head was about to explode. Disney World? His gravelly voice rose into a harsh shriek. They're not on vacation! They're on the run! They're running for their lives! Death is following them like a bullet, and they're on the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad?

Honesty is always good, except when it's better to lie.

I was always a good student, but I didn't read that much until I was 18 and I was working my way through college.

Once I was seated, I couldn't help people-watching. I'll admit it, I'm an addict from way back.

Always be strong no matter what!

Besides my great fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica.

You know things have gone bad when military marches pass for pop music.