When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!