How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
If youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning....sleep late.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
My wife is a light eater ... as soon as its light she starts to eat.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.