You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Take my wife... Please!

If youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning....sleep late.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My wife is a light eater ... as soon as its light she starts to eat.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.