Henny Youngman Quotes

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Take my wife... Please!

If youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning....sleep late.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.