One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.

I find it discouraging—and a bit depressing—when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky. Especially as the latter belief applies to the whole Jesus-Messiah-Son-of-God fable.

California: bordering always on the Pacific and sometimes on the ridiculous. So, why do I live here? Because the sun goes down a block from my house.

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I get tired of people talking about ''bad words'' and ''bad language''. Bullshit! It's the context that makes them good or bad.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn't abandon the religious theme completely. How about Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree's on Fire? Or Jesus, can you Believe It's Christmas Again? This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here.

There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All music is the blues. All of it.

I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

War will end when people stop showing up for it.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

It's called the 'American dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Politics is so corrupt even the dishonest people get fucked.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

If you had yourself cloned, who exactly, would be your parents? Can you raise yourself? I guess so. And it might be fun. Just think, by the age of six you'd be driving yourself to school.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

If free trade can really turn all these Third World countries into thriving economies full of entrepreneurs and investors, who's gonna clean the fuckin' toilets around here?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.