I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very please to be anywhere.
You know you're getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Young. Old. Just Words.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn't take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
I get a standing ovation jaust standing.
The Pope's entrance was stunning. Maybe the Catholics know about miracles, and maybe they know about saints, but they've never received enough credit for what they know about show business.
The key to success is sincerity. If you can fake that you've got it made.
There has been foolish talk about audiences having an average twelve-year-old mind: it just isn't true. They are older than anybody, and wiser.
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
Im going to stay in show business until Im the last one left.
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
I'm at that age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very very few people die past the age of a hundred.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
At my age flowers scare me.
