We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide nothing can be done.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Television is a new medium. Its called a medium because nothing is well-done.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
If the grass is greener in the other fellows yard - let him worry about cutting it.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
When you get through all the phony tinsel of Hollywood, you find the genuine tinsel underneath.