The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide nothing can be done.
California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.