How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
Let us hope manufacturers can come up with a diaper that is environmentally sound. To go back to cloth would send us back to the day when breathing and raising a baby at the same time were incompatible.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
God created man, but I could do better.
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.
Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby...
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
A child needs your love the most when he deserves it least.