A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.

The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.

An optimist thinks this is the best of all worlds. A pessimist fears the same may be true.

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living.

If the English language made any sense a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

Some of the worlds greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enought to know they were impossible.

Real elation is when you feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.

There must be a happy medium somewhere between being totally informed and blissfully unaware.

Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

A child is a person who cant understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.

Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours.

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.

There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that there's only one other choice.

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.

There are worse things than getting a call for the wrong number at AM. It could be the right number.

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three - and paradise is when you have none.

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.