I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people.
The average person pushes an elevator button 6 or 7 minutes before realizing it's not working. I did a study on this, you know.
One thing a comedian does, when you step on the stage, you're selling yourself, and certainly I don't think the whole world can love you. But if you can get the majority on your side, you're really in business.
I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.'
I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.
I shouldn't make fun of the blacks: President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke.
You got to have a lot of courage. Secondly, whatever it is you're doing, you have to believe in it wholeheartedly. Thirdly, you have to be able to stand up in front of people and know that they'll laugh.
Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh.
When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last.
Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star.
No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.
I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, 'Gee, if only I'd done 'The Man Who Came to Dinner' on Broadway, I would have been happier.'
I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.
When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.
I enjoy mixed audiences, not one particular group. Short, tall, scientists, Jews, gentiles, whatever, as long as they breathe and like to laugh.
I don't say I was the first, because, who knows, maybe there was a guy out in Minnesota doing it before me.
When you first start out with something new, you're always a little uptight.
Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, 'How many more years do I have on this earth?' But I can't really conceive of dying.
My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared.
I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.'
The inaugural of Ronald Reagan, with Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. And that was the greatest thing. Ronald Reagan and George Bush. That was - I still remember like it was yesterday.
I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness.
After over 50 years of headlining, I've been received very beautifully. But I always say, when you're onstage, you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's OK.
What keeps me going is that young people still want to see me.
Bob Hope was totally regimented. I go in and say a line like, 'Hi Bob' and I'd have to do it five times, and then Bob would take me to the writers to say the line different ways. He wouldn't let me ad-lib.
If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.
After I graduated, I tried Broadway, which was difficult for me. It was tough to get a part on Broadway, so I just started talking to audiences at different social gatherings, and little by little I became Don Rickles - whatever that is.
Compared to what comics say today, I'm a monk, but in those days, it was unheard of to make fun of people like I did. Of course, they exaggerated how outrageous I really was.
I always say, when you're onstage you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's okay. Thank God the majority are in my corner.
You know how a fighter always comes into the dressing room way before a fight? That's me - I'm like a fighter.
I don't practice or write stuff down - everything I do onstage was just made up before I went on.
I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner.
In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know.
Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend!
My wife, Barbara, is great. She arranges when I do work that I have a day off between performances.
Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it.
It's tough having the last name 'Rickles.' Luckily, my kids handled it great.
I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.