I don't want a president like me! I suck, okay. I want an elitist, smart guy.

The biggest battle for a lot of people who come out of the theater, which is where I was trained, is that they can never forget that a camera is pointed at them.

Having dealt with a lot of real firefighters, I know there are a lot of guys who, for lack of a better term, become addicted to the grief because it has kept them connected to these guys that they felt responsible for having lost.

There's not going to be a 'Rescue Me' movie. Not a chance.

Firefighters don't go on strike.

I wanted to be a hockey player. Where I grew up, the basketball courts were rarely used. I was terrible in school and actually said, 'I'm going to be a hockey player.'

There are some guys I know for a fact, like Louis C.K., who always talk about how not-great of an actor he is, and he's terrific on his show. But I know Louis would play a fantastic dramatic role in something, too. He just needs somebody to grab him and say, 'Come in here and do this.'

I don't believe in the power of words.

My charity is in the business of helping firefighters in any way that we can. For instance, after 9/11 we were the second-fastest charity to raise and distribute money to the widows and surviving family members of the 343 firefighters who died that day.

Nobody can make more fun of me than I already make of myself.

My nieces and my nephews think the only thing that I do is 'Ice Age.' That's fine with me because pretty soon they'll grow up enough to realize that I suck or that my time has passed, whichever it might be.

My kids watch everything downloaded; they have no idea what the numbers or the names of the channels mean, except, 'FX makes the show that I see on my computer.' So it's harder to get a show on the air, but at the same time, there are a lot of terrific shows.

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh.

Willem Dafoe and I are actually the same person.

First of all, I have to have trucks because I live most of my time on a horse farm, so I've gotta have trucks. It's in the northeast; I've got to have pickup trucks to move snow, number one. Number two, just if I'm driving, I don't have to have an SUV, but I want a big car.

I don't really have a lot of fun playing just straight good guys. It's not my thing. It's like Tom Hanks territory.

Wolfhounds helped kill off the wolves in Ireland.

I'm no day at the beach. And if it is a beach, it's Hampton Beach. Ever been there? It's not nice.

The best comedy audiences in the country and this is tried and true, I'm not just saying it, in my opinion are Boston, Atlanta, and Chicago.

I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.

I actually like talking.

I'd love to play in a Red Sox game. It would be so awesome to actually walk out on the field and play, just for one inning. I'd also steal everything I could get my hands on in the clubhouse, which is why they won't let me do it.

Bill Murray doesn't do anything. He barely shows up at the movies he says he's going to do.

I'm born and raised in the Northeast. My parents are Irish immigrants. So our tendency is to shy away from the big yellow ball that comes up in the sky every once in a while.

I did 12 years with nuns, you know. So I came out of it going, like, 'I think Jesus is all right.' The rest of it I think stinks to the high heavens.

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

I like Jesus, I mean, I think he was a good guy.

Where I grew up, the basketball courts were rarely used.

I learned a long time ago, if you want to keep your friends in show business, don't get famous. Because as soon as you get famous, a lot of the people you used to know, who didn't, become incredibly bitter and jealous. It's part of the territory.

I've been nominated for Emmys and Golden Globes, but I've never won one and I probably never will.

If you do good work, it tends to stick around. People still come up to me and say, 'The Ref' is my favorite Christmas movie.'

Everyone's got skeletons in their closet, and I've got a million in mine, believe me. I tested the envelope; I pushed it. Whenever somebody in authority told me not to do something, I did it just to find out why they said not to do it.

One thing that's great about firefighters: If they don't have the equipment they desperately need, they don't have the help, they don't care. They'll do it on their own.

If a character dies, you get to do a big, juicy death scene. But the flip side is you're out of the sequel, which is where the real money is.

Anybody who's done standup will tell you that there's nothing like it. The show starts at 8:00, the curtain goes up and there's nobody else except you and the audience, and you just perform for them for two hours. Nobody yells, 'Cut!' There are no retakes. That is still the most exciting medium for me, and I love it.

I don't watch 'American Idol.' I don't watch any of that stuff.

Vacuuming is great. I do the laundry. I love washing machines. I'm the maid in my house.

The best thing about series TV is that everyone you work with is hand-picked, as compared to working on a film.

I've always had a thing for Catwoman. Michelle Pfeiffer or Halle Berry in tight leather pants, with the boots - I'm pretty good with either one.

When I'm on stage, that's me. It's blown up, but that's me.

You try to - you want to fly on both sides of the political fence because that's where the - where the comedy is.

The Social Wishlist on Facebook is a great example of everything right about social media.

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.

It says on the back of the Nyquil box, 'May cause drowsiness.' It should say, 'Don't make any plans, OK? Kiss your family and friends good-bye.'

I went to school with Steven Wright, who was the shyest guy I knew, and one day someone suddenly told me that he was in a club doing standup comedy. I went down to his club and he was great. Another friend of mine, who was pretty much a thief by trade, was hosting the show. So I thought, 'If these guys can do it, then so can I.'

I know gay - gay people who aren't married who are better parents than some, you know, straight people I know who are married.

Firefighters are some of the most selfless public servants you will ever encounter.

I love Santa Monica and Venice because I like the beach. I have a lot of friends in that area.