There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.
I never set out to do a sketch show.
I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
