And whence do you hail? From Bonking, sire. Well, yes, lad, as do we all, said Lear, but from what town?

It's a yeti, said Gaspar from behind me, obviously having been roused from his trance. An abominable snowman. This is what happens when you fuck a sheep!? I exclaimed. Not an abomination, Josh said, abominable. The yeti licked him on the cheek.

I'm not scared, Daddy. I just need some crunchy Cheese Newts up in this bitch.

Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.

What is character, if not a man's measure of himself against his friends and enemies?

There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality—there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.

I wouldn't go to yoga with you because I'm not bendy, not because I'm not spiritual.

Have you never met anyone who works in a record store? There's no greater repository of unjustified arrogance in the world. I'd poison my employees if I thought I could find replacements.

She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.

Y'all act like I brought the ladies to the party, but they come on they own, cuz. A door open up out the Underworld, there they is. It's y'all's fault they here. All y'all let shit get so fucked up here they was drawn here like hoes to coke.

Cry havoc, and let slip the trousers of most outrageous bonkilation!

Like the saber-toothed tiger's fangs, or the Alpha Male's testosterone, there's just more Beta Male imagination than can really be put to good use. Consequently, a lot of Beta Males become hypochondriacs, neurotics, paranoids, or develop an addiction to porn or video games.

If there was anything I learned from John the Baptist, it was that the sooner you confess a mistake, the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes.

Where do you think this guy is leading us?' 'Probably somewhere to murder and kill us.' 'Yeah, at least one of those.

Blessed are the minimarshmallows, the angel said, swooning a little.

Leathery bar girls worked the charter booths at the harbor, smoking Basic 100s and talking in voices that sounded like 151 rum poured into hot grease—a jigger of friendly to the liter of harsh.

So safe, Coyote said, that you can lose it in a day? To be safe is to be afraid. Is that what you want: to be afraid?

Let's bat that nun out of the dog park!

Every time you smell peaches, a ghost just got his rocks off.

Action based on hope just felt better than the paralysis of certainty.

You cannot believe what you do not believe, Rumi siad. I am an Untouchable because my karma dictates it.

I don't know,' Charlie said. 'Have you gotten a good look at them? I mean, they got the badonkadonk out back and some fine bajoopbadangs up front, know what I'm sayin', dog? Buss a rock wid a playa?' He offered his fist for Minty to buss him a rock, but alas, the mint one left him hangin'.

Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.

I think beta males on an evolutionary basis are much more successful than the alpha males are. You don't hear much about us, but there's a lot more of us out there.

It was as if vampirism carried with it a crampless case of rattlesnake PMS.

It is generally agreed, and in fact stated in the bylaws of the American Kennel Club, that you have not been truly dog-humped until you have been double-dog-humped by a pair of four-hundred-pound hounds from hell.

She gave him the wide, green-eyed expression that she would have described as I will slap you so far into next week that it will take a team of surgeons just to get Wednesday out of your ass.

Apologies, one loses perspective after spending a week in a brothel.

Getting a rise out of him was like trying to give a handjob to a parking meter: you were going to end up frustrated and exhausted long before a cop came along to haul you away.

Angels are just pretty insects.

He had broken one of the cardinal rules—Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself—and he'd been loving life ever since.

It's very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism.

I'm very insecure, actually, but I have found that if you roll up screaming like a madwoman, hair on fire, guns blazing, no one is going to mention the zit on your forehead. Which.

It was sometimes difficult to reconcile a man's talents with his personality.

Dressed in their red suits and fake beards, they rang their bells like they were going for dog-spit gold at the Pavlov Olympics.

Yeah, that's right, Lash. Because I'm Chinese I have a deep-seated need to nosh house pets. Now why don't you let him in before my inner Chinaman forces me to kung-fu your bitch ass.

Medication and forgiveness can make for joyous moments with the dying—it.

Jody screamed at him: a high, explosive, unintelligible expulsion of pure inhuman frustration--a Hendrix high note sampled and sung by a billion suffering souls in Hell's own choir.

The noise was like, well, it was like a thousand vampire cats clawing on Plexiglas—it made their teeth hurt.

I am not inclined to use hip-hop vernacular often, but there are times when, like French, it just better expresses the sentiment of the moment.

The funeral was held at St. Mary's Catherdral of San Francisco, which has the distinction of being the only church in the world designed after a washing-machine agitator.

Outside the bedroom Jane fumbled around and in her purse and produced a pack of cigarettes, but couldn't figure out whether to smoke one or not. Holy Motown Jesus with Pips, what the fuck is going on in there?

Wait, what? Ain't no thing. I'ma choke you out ironically, Evan, so you be too cool for school. Cool as a motherfuckin' corpse, Evan.

Not unlike the toaster, I control darkness.

May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.

True, I am drunk, and small, and damp, but mistake not my moistness for weakness, although there's an argument to be made for that, as well.

One day the good times had to keep on rolling, and all of life's horseshit would turn to circuses.

So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need.

The image of a well-dressed older woman making on a goopish spoonful of artificial boon spooge was running across the lobes of his brain like a stuttering nightmare.