It took me 20 years of making movies to learn how to do it.

There are very few solid family films. A lot of the writing is awful.

You could knock my teeth out and break my nose, and there'd be something funny about it to me.

It's so important, people laughing.

In this business, you can come and go in a second.

What's funny is funny. The same thing that made you laugh a hundred years ago makes you laugh now.

I am just happy that I have children. I don't care what they want to do!

All my children inherited perfect pitch.

All preconceptions when you laugh go out the window. Laughter kills it.

Last good pratfall I did, I broke bones in both hands. I still feel it when people shake my hand.

I have three daughters. I wanted them to be raised where there are real seasons and where everyone their age wasn't trying to get into movies.

You may have read that I went to M.I.T. In 1982 I filled out a Who's Who survey with joking responses, and they never bothered to check the facts.

If you're in the White House, it's your house, and you can invite whatever friend you want.

Let's not call physical comedy falling down and pratfalls. All humor is physical, no matter how you dish it out. It's timing, like a dancer or an athlete would have.

With Clinton, there's no question that I would have made fun of his out-and-out lying. But he's also a good friend.

Frank Capra's grandson was a second Assistant Director on 'Christmas Vacation.'

I really love making movies. I just have this yearning in my stomach to go back and somehow subversively screw up television a little bit again.

I think I need to be taken away, dropped in some territory with just a lot of loud guys.

I was very involved in political satire, and I'd been writing parody for 'Mad' and 'National Lampoon,' so I made up some strange story about Gerald Ford.

Break as few bones as possible and make as much noise as you can.

I was always the guy getting kicked out of my classes at school for having an attitude problem.

If you get 'hot,' everyone's nice to you.

I would love to do a movie with Albert Brooks; we're so different, but I find him so funny, and I can be just as seemingly narcissistic as he comes off, the 'it's all about me' kind of thing.

Comparing 'Christmas Vacation' to 'It's A Wonderful Life' is the silliest thing. That film starred the greatest movie actor of all time, and the idea that our movie could ever be connected in some fashion to something so brilliant and beautiful always made feel like, 'That's all they had to write about?'

The best advice I can give you about falling is to never land.

Avoid fatty foods, Bensonhurst, and hair care products.

I prefer movies because the money is better and certainly because you really know where you stand when you are making movies, and I have made a lot of them: 50-something - I don't know.

To me, talk shows are those things during the middle of the afternoon where the underbelly of society is made to look like Middle America.

It's about timing and rhythm. But who could be better than Chaplin or Keaton?

Be Funny. Be naturally funny. If you're not, get out of the business. Be compassionate.

For me, what makes you laugh makes you laugh.

It seemed that my brother and I were always fighting in the back seat, and there was never any real reason for it.

Ideally, I'd like to go right back to getting $7 million a picture and being the headliner. That's probably not going to happen.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

Laughter kills lonesome. It's one of the great things in our lives.

What interests me is being alive and being with friends that I care about and being as creative as I can given circumstance.

Anyone who wants to run has to be a Jimmy Swaggart, minus the default.

I turned down 'Forrest Gump.'

The fact was, Ford kept stumbling around. I didn't want him in the White House. I wanted Carter in, and I had a forum of 20 million people watching.

Anybody can reach anywhere from five to 15 million people weekly making a president look like an idiot, as I did back then, or Tina Fey did with Sarah Palin... You're always preaching to the choir one way or the other.

Parodies came about because Mr. Ford was actually one of the better athletes of our presidents... but he continually had physical accidents... he was an easy target for me. The main idea was to get people laughing.

Live a life of grace. You'll be a better person for it, and so will your children.

I did very well when I was younger, and I am fine.

It's never a good idea for a celebrity to sign autographs or take pictures if a crowd is gathering.

The best comedy I ever did was when people didn't know who I was.

Who made me laugh when I was growing was Chaplin and the Marx Brothers, and then moving on, there were so many that I was a writer for for many years: I was a writer for the Smothers Brothers, Lily Tomlin, then I started on 'Saturday Night Live' as the head writer the first year we started it.

I was a young, new, hot star, and I had this unbelievable arrogance. As time went on, the strident narcissism and arrogance slowly diminished. But I was definitely there. I'm older now. And a big crybaby.

I've always loved the 'Weekend Update' people.

I'd never be tied down for five years interviewing TV personalities.