I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.

I don't have a stack of scripts that, when I get home, studios are clamoring, saying, 'Has Bob read ours yet?'

I'm not what you'd call a Method actor.

Comedians are innately programmed to pick up oddities like mispronounced words, upside-down books on a shelf, and generally undetectable mistakes in everyday life.

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn't what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try.

The best advice I was probably given and the best advice I could give someone who is trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills.

I don't know how to do a show not in front of a live audience.

I'm glad you can't talk on your cells while the plane is in the air. That would drive me crazy.

One time I happened to use the word 'denigrate' onstage, and it didn't get any reaction. So as I continued my act, the left side of my brain was fast-forwarding to see if I had any other big words coming up.

You're not dead at 85. You're a long way from it. Go out and enjoy. You've earned it.

Probably the best advice I ever got in my life was from the head of the accounting department, Mr. Hutchinson, I believe at the Glidden Company in Chicago, and he told me, 'You really aren't cut out for accounting.'

When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.

I think that what comes through in Chicago humor is the affection. Even though you're poking fun at someone or something, there's still an affection for it.

I think there's a little confusion between humor and 'gross' passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable, because they aren't the same thing.

For a comedian, there is nothing better than watching another great comedian.

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

I have an aversion to laugh tracks - the moment I hear a laugh track, I go to another channel.

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

I just don't think most people put myself and Robert Frost in the same category.

I have no intention of retiring; I can't imagine not doing stand-up. That's where I started and where I'll be.

I found the most difficult thing when you became successful - when I had the record album, it won Album of the Year - that you were cut off from the source of your material. Your material was everyday people, and you were kind of cut off from that, and you had to work at it.

I think the thing about it is when you grow up in Chicago there's such a thing as putting on airs, you know? And you just learn not to put on airs. Don't act like, 'Oh boy, I'm somebody.' They'll slap you down.

The greatest comedian I've ever seen is Jack Benny. He wasn't afraid of the silences.

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that.

Richard Pryor introduced me to the world of the inner city, and the urban world, and did it hysterically. My favorite comedian, even though we work 180 degrees differently, but funny is funny is funny.

A lot of money is spent trying to keep people alive who don't necessarily want to be alive.

I always stayed away from political commentary. First of all, I didn't feel entitled. What I may feel about a candidate, I'm a comedian. I mean, if people like my comedy, that doesn't mean they should vote for the person I like. That's why I always kind of stayed away from endorsements.

I've been a very lucky actor.

What you see on stage is pretty much the way I am... a dry sense of humor.

The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

I have to warn you, I'm not just some sitcom guy. I'm now an author.

I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much.

I don't want to sound like the old guy, but cynicism is a potential danger. It colors our way of looking at the world.

There was a sea of change in comedy in the late 1950s and '60s. We were dealing with vignettes as opposed to jokes. We were more socially aware.

I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.

I made a record album in 1960 and it exploded, and I got all these offers for TV.

I am one of the great wasters of time. I have made it an art form. I can get up at 8 o'clock in the morning, be out of the house by 8:30 and back by 5 P.M., and I'll be going all day long and accomplish absolutely nothing. It's an amazing talent.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Well, if you're a native Chicagoan, you know how dumb he [Dr. Robert Hartley] is. He gets on the Ravenswood El, he goes past his stop on Sheridan Road, he gets off in Evanston, where the El is on the ground, and then he walks back 55 blocks to his apartment. Now, would you want to have that man as a psychologist? A man who misses his stop every day?

The acting is better when you know your material is being judged.

I don't think of myself as an American Master. I've just been making a living.

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

I was an accountant in Chicago, and a friend of mine, Ed Gallagher, was in advertising. At 4:30 every day I'd be bored, and I would call him. He'd interview me.

Don Rickles and I are best friends. I know that might seem strange to those who know Don only by reputation, but somebody has to be his friend. Just to make sure I don't forget, Don gave me a doormat that sits just outside the front door of my house. It reads: 'The Newharts: The Rickleses Best Friends.'

I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.

I made people laugh as a kid, but that's not how you make a living.

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright.

I was very political when JFK ran.