I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin.

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

Genius is never understood in its own time.

I'm related to people I don't relate to.

Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN.

Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?

You are demoted from First Tiger to bulk rate.

Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.

Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

For your information, I'm staying like this, and everyone else can just get used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS! It's a free country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I want! This is who I am - Take it or leave it!

Paul Gauguin asked, "whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going?" Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later! Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway?

You can make your superhero a psychopath, you can draw gut-splattering violence, and you can call it a "graphic novel," but comic books are still incredibly stupid.

Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.

Oh lovely snowball, packed with care, smack a head that's unaware! Then with freezing ice to spare, melt and soak through underwear! Fly straight and true, hit hard and square! This, oh snowball, is my prayer. I only throw consecrated snowballs.

Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.

Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze 'em?

Calvin the zombie searches for food. Horribly, the undead feed upon the living! ...Although, in a pinch, a PBJ will do, if you eat it messily enough.

Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making her a get well card.

I try to make everyones day just a little more surreal.

What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?

Blustery cold days should be spend propped up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books.

Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.

Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.

I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here.

Why can't the world ever be unfair in my favor?

That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

The problem about the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

MOMMMM, I'm thirsty... What's this, just water?

Girls are like slugs—they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.

Things I will never like: 1. Drying off with a cold, damp towel. 2. The feeling of seaweed wrapping around my legs. 3. Anything that was popular in the 70's. 4. Licorice, yam, or raisins. 5. That high-pitched screech that babies make. 6. Writhing maggots.

Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long.

Heck, what's a little extortion among friends?

So long, Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap!

Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating; the mind is like a car battery -- it recharges by running.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

The problem with people is that they're only human.

In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive.

From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way.

Careful. We don't want to learn from this.

The world of a comic strip ought to be a special place with its own logic and life... I don't want the issue of Hobbes's reality settled by a doll manufacturer.

History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.