A three- year-old child is a being who almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

Maybe the answer to Selective Service is to start everyone off in the army and draft them for civilian life as needed.

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.

The Vice-Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

To God, thy country, and thy friend be true.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

Someday there is going to be a book about a middle-aged man with a good job, a beautiful wife and two lovely children who still manages to be happy.

Muscles come and go; flab lasts.

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

Man is the animal that intends to shoot himself out into interplanetary space, after having given up on the problem of an efficient way to get himself five miles to work and back each day.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Retirement we understand is great if you are busy rich and healthy. But then under those conditions work is great too.

People learn something every day, and a lot of times it's that what they learned the day before was wrong.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

The wonderful world of home appliances now makes it possible to cook indoors with charcoal and outdoors with gas.

In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.

It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them.

We learn something every day and lots of times its that what we learned the day before was wrong.