The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

Zip zop wop boopity bop.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

All Children Have Brain Damage!

A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think---in a deeper voice.

The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will look out for them.

I'm supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty, I told her.

YOU are a genius!... and I am a genius because I married you.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

We're not raising children with the love that we need to.

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Family is conflict and it's something that we all relate to.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.

I cannot understand how the education of this United States of America has been fooled time and time again. Either make it separate but equal or integrate, therefore it will be equal. And it has been separate and unequal.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Decide that you want it more than you're afraid of it.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

The Internet is like Hitler they think they are getting rid of the problem but they're not.

If you have no faith, you've lost your battle.

It was the arts, those noble expressions of the human spirit that are communicated through literature, dance, song, film, drama, painting and sculpture, among the many other such creative means, that helped articulate the sufferings of [these] people that were heard around the globe.

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

The past is a ghost, the future is a dream, and all we ever have is now.

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.