The two biggest sellers in bookstores are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

I've learned that you should never say no to a gift from a child.

My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

I've learned that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow, he may have to eat them.

Writers don't often say anything that readers don't already know, unless its a news story. A writer's greatest pleasure is revealing to people things they knew but did not know they knew. Or did not realize everyone else knew, too. This produces a warm sense of fellow feeling and is the best a writer can do.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.

The trouble with dictionaries is, they tell you more about words than you want to know without answering the question you have.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

I've learned that under everyone's hard shell, is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

Let's make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We'll pick a week next year and we'll all agree not to go anywhere for seven days.

I've learned that being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.

I've learned that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

It's just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.

I've learned that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

I've learned that it's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

I've learned that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever 'curling' means.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

I've learned that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

I've learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but that all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned that simple walks with my father, around the block on summer nights when I was a child, did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.